As mentioned in my last post it has been a shit year. A shitty dumpster fire that easily qualifies as the worst in my life. The road forward has been bumpy and winding, and yet for the most part I now feel more stable and solid in who I am as an individual. I do still get moments of sadness over the loss of a past and future I desperately wanted, and in those moments I find myself comparing my journey to my ex’s. For instance, he is now down in Mexico for Christmas, meeting his girlfriend’s family – I suspect they will be engaged before too long, once the divorce is finalized around February. When I fall into that trap I start to wonder if he “won” the break up, and all of the bad thoughts seep in to try and take over.
It’s all nonsense of course. In my heart and spirit I know that I am doing what is right for me. He did not give himself time to heal and is struggling – he told me so himself – and in need of having someone look after him. He’s a good man, and a wonderful partner, but he has always needed someone to take care of him and that wasn’t me anymore. I have always considered myself to be a strong person but it wasn’t until this year that I proved it to myself. I picked up the pieces where they fell and put them back together to create a new version of me that I respect and cherish. My friends have all commended me for moving forward to the best of my abilities and not falling into the trap of self-pity and stalking my ex on social media. Don’t get me wrong, there was plenty of that for a time, but now I feel the urge far less.
I’m finding what I’m defining as my sparkle again. Until about 2021 I was the happiest person you would meet. There was no challenge too big, no situation in which I could not find genuine joy. My relationship, and in truth my whole life, had been very very easy up until that point. Yes, there had been some hardships, some family tragedies, but nothing that affected me in my core. And then WHAM! My marriage started to slowly disintegrate, and with it my joy. I was completely lost, not knowing who I was anymore, not knowing how to process different emotions, and not seeing a way forwards. One tragedy after another struck, and through it all I was floundering. Thank fuck I have a wide and strong support system, people I can call or text at any time who help in any way they can. With them I stumbled my way through, wondering if I would ever know who I was ever again; it sounds dramatic, but I did lose myself for nearly two years. Looking back I barely remember getting through the days.
But here I am. It’s Christmas Eve, I’m at my parents place sipping coffee with my beautiful dog at my feet. I am meeting old friends and have family and down time planned in. I am surrounding by the people that know me better than anyone, and they are telling me who pleased they are to see the old me coming back. My sparkle has returned and it’s shining very brightly. I’m in love with life again, and seeing new opportunities come up. Maybe 2024 will be a great year, maybe it will be a shitshow, but at least I know that I am myself again, and am someone I can depend on. I am healing, and it will still be a long process, but damn it if I can’t enjoy it most of the time.
Secondhand Thoughts 