I have done some pretty cool things. Genuinely cool. I’ve been across my country to go to university, getting a degree in film and being able to intern at an internationally renowned film festival. I’ve travelled solo across Europe and then moved to a different country with no money, friends or job. I lived in Scotland for six years and married a hunky Scottish man. I’ve been skydiving and bungee jumping, and I still play soccer to this day. I single-handedly managed to save ten thousand dollars in one year as a birthday present to myself. I have kept a close group of friends and make new ones at every job I’ve ever worked. I’ve become comfortable with who I am and who I am not.
And yet. And yet, I continue to believe that there are certain things I will never be able to do. Some of those things are small, like painting, or knitting. Others are big, like buying a house in Vancouver or retiring by 50. Deep down I don’t think I’ll ever get strong and fit, especially now that I am no longer in my twenties (I don’t know why, but that seems to be a huge mental block for me). I don’t know why I think these things. There are many things that I have done that seemed impossible, and then I simply went and did them.
I used to have a can-do attitude towards everything, and a drive to give myself a bit more meaning. For some reason that drive has all but disappeared into passive contentment. I love my life now, but if there are ever any setbacks or deviations I turn into a grumpy cat of epic proportions. It’s getting to the point where even my husband comments on it. Case in point, yesterday he told me: “We used to go on day trip adventures, but you don’t want to do those anymore. You’ve lost a sense of adventure.” I can’t fault him for speaking the truth. Can one get that sense of adventure back? It’s almost like I got it all out of my system and now I am ready for the same old routine each and every day.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. Routine is important to me, but not at the cost of losing a drive for something more. Part of the reason I don’t want to do adventures anymore is because they cost money, and I am determined not to spend money frivolously. However, is it frivolous if I get more out of it than I put in? Not just tangibly, but intangibly as well – mine and my husband’s sense of play, deep conversations and silly nonsense. There is certainly an important place in my heart for those as well.
When I do reach early retirement I don’t want to have the same attitude I do now; meaning, I don’t want to deny spending some money on a few small day trips just to save thirty dollars. This is not only for travel but also for learning new skills and becoming a healthier, more well-rounded person. I can’t be perfect, but I can allow myself to lighten up a little bit and give myself permission to try new things, and to fail at them most of the time, before getting it right and moving forward.
So, for the next few months, and particularly as the summer months approach, I’m going to challenge myself to get on out there and try different things. I’m surrounded by mountains and forests, and I’ve gotten into a rut of doing the same five hikes. If that’s not pure laziness then I don’t know what is. Some spontaneity would work wonders for me. Starting this blog was a huge stepping stone for me, as was beginning a new strength training program. Time to bring more adventure in other areas as well!